The Office of the Spider-people. Giant computer screens everywhere showing scenes from ‘Across the Spiderverse’ and ‘Into the Spiderverse’, blinking red and yellow lights on metal panels underneath. The entire room is flashing red and yellow intermittently, leaving shadows on the items in the room like a few scattered chairs with wheels, small trash can/bin, pot of pencils and random spider-people badges that are hung up by the door.
Miguel O’Hara, looking angry (as per usual)—specifically the Miguel O’Hara from Futuristic Earth/the Spider version of Moon Knight/Oscar Isaac—enters through the door and walks to the screens. He hits one of them.
Miguel: You can run, kid, but we’re going to find you. And all the traitors that’re running with you.
A voice from seemingly nowhere answers back.
Rev: Yeah, keep going. Why are you going after the kid and his team?
Miguel: (startled) What? Who’s there?
Rev: Nope. That’s not what you’re meant to say. You’ve got to catch everybody up, in case they somehow didn’t see Part One.
Miguel: (growls—low soft growl like an annoyed tiger who’s child is annoying it, rather than a ferocious tiger) Where are you? There’s no use in hiding. I’ll find you. (He swings his arms at a chair nearby and it crashes to the floor).
Rev: Okay, okay. I’ll show myself. But you’re going to have to explain more of your backstory to work through your anger issues.
(The furthest chair away from Miguel swings around and there is a person sat there with a large, full popcorn bucket in their hands. They smile warmly at Miguel and wave, dropping some popcorn they were eating).
Miguel: You… You’re not one of us… How did you get in here?
Rev: Hi to you too.
Miguel: (growling—now like a ferocious tiger) Who are you?!
Rev: It’s okay. I’m just a big fan of your work, that’s all. Well, actually, I’m sort-of a fan of the Marvel films in general, since we don’t really know you that well yet… And I can’t afford to read the comics so I can’t get to know you that way.
Miguel: What’re you talking about?
Rev: Sorry, I know. Most of this is going to go right over your head. You see, I went to see Across the Spiderverse at the cinema not too long ago—and I wanted to write a review of it—but I also wanted to keep it interesting for me, and since I’ve already written a couple of standard reviews recently I thought I’d give some—erm—well, some more creative ideas a go. That’s why I’m here to talk to you. I figured—you know—since you’ve travelled the multiverse a bit more, you might freak out the least. Also, I’ve got some general questions for you that’ve been really annoying me since I saw the movie/film.
Miguel: What movie? Someone’s taping all of this? (Angry and charging at Rev, he grabs their chair and puts his face, intimidatingly, in front of theirs). Who is it? Tell me!
Rev: (sniffs) Erm, how often do you wash that Spidey-suit? Do you have a laundrette in this building? Actually, do you live here or do you have a house of your own? And how did you afford this giant skyscraper in the first place?
Miguel: I have… my own funds.
Rev: So we’re just not going to explain that, are we? Oh well, honestly, it’s not the most important plot point anyway. It’s not bad writing if you don’t explain everything. It’s bad writing if your viewers/readers notice that you haven’t explained it—that would mean it’s important to your plot or characters, or the rest of the thing is so horribly written that you can’t help but notice all the problems with it, even if they shouldn’t matter. Don’t worry—your film didn’t have those issues. If anything, Across the Spiderverse really rewards repeat viewings. You’d catch something new every time with how quick everything goes and how full this universe seems (no pun intended).
Miguel: Whatever. I’m calling security and they’ll have you taken out.
Rev: No, they won’t.
Miguel: What do you mean, they won’t?
Rev: I told you, I only wanted to talk to you. There’s nobody else in this scene but you and me.
Miguel: Who says so? This is my building, my Spider-people—I’m in charge. (He wanders back to the computers and tries to click some buttons. They do nothing. He hits the panels. Still nothing changes).
Rev: Maybe that’s all true—in the film—but I’m the writer of this scene… so I’m in charge here. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
(Miguel turns angrily back towards Rev and snarls)
Rev: (Holding popcorn bucket towards Miguel) Popcorn?
Miguel: I don’t want any popcorn. I want you out of here. And if there’s no security, then I’ll take you out of here my…
(Miguel’s mouth is suddenly zipped up by a silver zip that appears out of thin air)
Rev: (holding hand to her ear) I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you.
(Miguel mumbles and tries to claw his mouth open. He charges at Rev, arms outstretched, ready to take them out without words).
Rev: I think you’d prefer to sit, don’t you?
(Miguel stops suddenly and crashes down on a chair… The wheels roll towards Rev’s chair and then stop about a foot away).
Rev: Now, obviously you’re not a popcorn person. What do you want? Some cotton candy? Some, what do Americans call them, milk duds? Someone’s really going to have to explain what they are someday. They seem to eat them on shows all the time. Oh, no, let me guess- you’re agro and miserable—so, just water, right? Who needs fun flavours, right?
(A water bottle appears in Miguel’s hand and his mouth unzips).
Rev: Okay, so what was I saying? Ah yes, Across the Spiderverse. Yeah, it’s a pretty good film actually. I mean, I started to drift off a little in the middle—it’s so quick-paced I think I just started to feel tired, forcing myself to pay attention so intently so I could catch what people were saying—but they grabbed my attention back pretty quickly so it certainly wasn’t a big problem. The scene started to slow down again and give my brain time to catch up.
Miguel: Or maybe you should just learn to pay attention?
Rev: If only it was that easy. Oh, yes, all the voice acting was great. But, you know, so many other people bring up the great voice-acting it seems a bit redundant at this point. However, it really was excellent. Even you, Mr-Depressing.
Miguel: I’m not depressing. I’m complex.
Rev: Yeah—okay. Maybe we’ll see more of that in the next film, eh? At the minute you seem like an angry person who’s made his mind up about something but isn’t willing to tell anybody else about it.
Miguel: I replaced a version of me from another universe, to make sure his kid didn’t lose her father…
Rev: Yeah, yeah, I know. You said that in the film/movie—still surprised nobody mentioned how messed up that was, by the way.
Miguel: (sadly looks at the floor, upset with himself—sad Oscar Isacc noises) I know. I destroyed that Universe. I shouldn’t’ve been there.
Rev: Oh no. That’s not why it’s messed up—I mean, it sort of is, but you know we don’t really know why that world actually disappeared—only what you think happened—I meant it was messed up pretending to be another kids’ Dad. Wait, don’t tell me you don’t actually realise how messed up that is?
Miguel: (shrugs) She needed a Dad. I was her Dad from another Universe.
Rev: But you weren’t her Dad. Her Dad was dead, and she never got to grieve him. He was just replaced and forgotten—that’s messed up. Dad from another universe or not—you were basically like a twin brother replacing your niece’s real father without telling her or anybody else who cared for him. That is messed up. How do you think you’re the good guy again?
Miguel: I know it was wrong. I paid the price for it, okay?
Rev: Technically, according to your theory, everybody else paid the price for your selfishness and creepiness (since you barely knew the kid too). But, you know what, I’m glad we’ve brought it up because you’ve hit the point that’s been annoying me since I watched the film/movie.
Miguel: What? That you hate me!
Rev: Oh no, I think you’ve got great potential to be a really complex villain/anti-hero. Once you get past this whole (puts on gruff voice) ‘I’m super serious, atoning for past mistakes’ caricature. And based on the writing abilities of the last two films I’d say that I trust the writers to write a good story for you and the rest of the characters—No, it’s actually not a writing problem, per se, it’s more an annoyance of the beliefs you had.
Miguel: What?
Rev: Well, you told the rest of the gang that Miles was an anomaly.
Miguel: He is.
Rev: And that every universe loses: an Uncle figure, a Police Chief/Captain and a Gwen Stacy/love interest.
Miguel: Exactly. They’re set points in every Spider-Person’s story.
Rev: Because that’s what the writers wanted.
Miguel: What?
Rev: Well, every story was written by a writer—and the writer’s need certain things to happen to move a story along—it’s just the most common plot-line in Superhero stories is killing off people they love. You know, it makes the actual stuff they do more suspenseful. If they never made mistakes or lost people they wouldn’t be interesting to watch. It’d be the same every time—bad guy attacks, they stop them—rinse and repeat. But that’s just story structure. You’re arguing, not about reality, but about story structure.
Miguel: And your point is?
Rev: Well, you Spider-People are supposed to be smart, right? A lot of you are scientists (including you, I think) but you don’t seem to understand the difference between conclusions and correlational data. You’re saying that everyone has the same set of variables in their story—but just because they do, doesn’t mean they have to. They could have other challenges instead. And just because Miles hasn’t had exactly the same story (which, by what you were saying he definitely seems to be anyway—so he isn’t an anomaly in your data) it doesn’t mean he can’t be a Spider-Person. You have plenty of other Spider-People that don’t meet the typical Spider-Person mould.
Miguel: Only Miles is an anomaly. The others have had the lives they’re meant to.
Rev: Spider-Ham was bit by a radioactive pig.
Miguel: So?
Rev: So… He has Pig powers, right? Not spider powers? His spider abilities were ones he was born with. How is that not different than all of you?
Miguel: He lost the creatures he needed to lose.
Rev: Well, what about Gwen Stacey? She died in every universe except one. And she hasn’t lost a police captain/chief yet… I’m not even sure she has an Uncle to lose.
Miguel: She lost her best friend instead.
Rev: Exactly. Best friend wasn’t on the list of losses.
Miguel: All that matters is it’s somebody they love.
Rev: Which Miles has lost already.
Miguel: Ugh—you just don’t get it.
Rev: Exactly. I don’t get it. You have a Spider T-Rex, a Cat, a Pregnant Woman, a Gamer, a Punk, an Anime Girl who doesn’t even have spider-powers—how can you really define what you need to do to be a Spider-person? None of the correlations are even really correlating.
Miguel: You’re missing the point. All those Spiders you mentioned—they’re the only ones in their entire Universe. The Anomaly’s world already had it’s own Spiderman.
Rev: That died after the collider collapse.
Miguel: Yes, but he wouldn’t have if Miles—erm, the Anomaly—hadn’t gained powers too.
Rev: Who says so?
Miguel: The Universe. Time itself.
Rev: Does the Universe talk to you?
Miguel: Well—no—but the data…
Rev: The correlational data. It’s not really factual, is it? It wouldn’t be hard to argue against it. The fact is, we don’t know whether blonde Peter Parker would be alive if Miles didn’t get powers. He would still be involved in the fight. He still might get beaten by giant Green Goblin, still smashed his head into the collider and still be killed by Kingpin. In which case, there’s an open space for Miles to come in? And if we’re talking about more than one Spider-person in the Universe—aren’t you the second Spider-Person in your Universe?
Miguel: I’m different. Different circumstances.
Rev: And Miles is different. Different circumstances.
Miguel: But his spider came from a different universe. A universe without a Spider-Person now, because of him.
Rev: Then send someone else to be their Spider-person, or take it in turns, you’ve got plenty of people here. And if the Prowler exists on that world, then other supers must too, right? Otherwise what’s the point of the advancements? Unless everyone’s just really bad at their job in that Universe—in which case, the other Spider-Person might have also been really bad at their job. And, even ignoring all that, Miles wasn’t the one to bring the Spider over. The Spider was brought over by scientists (matching how all the rest of you got your powers). If they weren’t meant to do that, why were they able to? Was the collider even supposed to be built? And why didn’t any of you come and help blonde Peter Parker in the first film/movie if that was the case? It would be kind of important and you have all of time and space at your hands. Unless you needed that to be built in order for your machine to be able to be built in the future—but then, Miles might’ve been meant to get the Spider-bite too—how can you know for sure?
Miguel: You’re spiralling.
Rev: Actually, I’m ranting. (Itches head) Time travel stuff always makes me do this… It never fully makes sense. It’s easier when the show/film/movie doesn’t take it too seriously. You took it too seriously. So I take it seriously and I’m left with a big headache. You see what I mean?
Miguel: Not exactly. I think you’re overthinking it.
Rev: But that’s just it, aren’t you all underthinking it? All you Spider-people are meant to be geniuses and you don’t think through what I, a very much non-genius, can’t stop thinking through. I would say maybe you need to just develop the same brain as me—but I couldn’t be a superhero. I’d have a breakdown on the first day—Maybe that’s the story you should tell—A superhero who’s afraid of their own shadow? No—that’d be too boring of a story to tell.
(Rev leans back and sighs. They eat some popcorn, frowning).
Miguel: Are you… okay?
Rev: No, not really. Thing is, I don’t even really count it as a fault of the film/movie. I enjoyed it, regardless of how much it hurts my head to think that plot point through—I’m just a little bit annoyed that nobody pointed that out to Miguel—I mean, you. You’re all meant to be so smart and confident, and quippy, I thought at least one of you would question it. It just seems like something you learn when you’re twelve in science class. Or at least, I did. But I know you’re not the first one to confuse correlation data with reality. Even the media does it every day in the real world. It just seems a lot to base your whole ethos of people needing to die on. I mean, if it had already happened—like Franz Ferdinand dying before World War 1—yeah, that’s something that’s already happened and can’t change. You don’t even really know who in Miles’ life is meant to die, or Gwen’s or anybody else’s… It just seems a vague thing to base your life on.
Miguel: Wow, thanks.
Rev: Er… Anyway. The film was great. Animation was stunning, as always—it was pretty much just art since it seemed like so many artists’ unique styles were represented. Music was great, as always. Pravitir Praparker (have to check spelling on that one) is amazing and fun… I apologise for saying Naan Bread and Chai Tea, it’s just what was always written on anything I ever bought, I’ll try to say it properly now (also, did the British take over in his world? How did an Indian and USA city crash together, a la San-Fransokyo? What was the exact history in this place? Who does he know that says chai-tea? Is it other places other than this one? I need to know details… because, he’s my favourite).
Miguel: Did you just gush over a character in an aside to nothing?
Rev: It was more for me than anything. More questions just keep coming up. Yeah—I’m going to go before even more come out. (Stands up to leave, taking popcorn with them).
Miguel: Wait.
Rev: (stops) What? You want me to stay? Aw… how sweet.
Miguel: Of course not. The sooner you get out, the better. But can you at least tell me where the Anomaly is? The sooner I find him….
Rev: (sighs) Well, I suppose it was too early for you to learn your lesson yet. He’s…
(Rev blinks out of existence. Miguel’s water bottle also disappears)
Miguel: (angrily) Oh, come on!
Thank you for reading my silly little play, featuring Rev(iew) and Miguel O-Hara. What did you think of Across the Spider-verse? And what do you think will happen in the next one? The great thing about the writing so far is that it’s very hard to guess what’s coming (a break from the norm for me, since most writing follows the same patterns—however, part of the reason it doesn’t is it is almost a meta-commentary on writing in general. Clever writing).
Rev: Okay, I’m sorry, I swear I’m leaving now. Hope you’re having a great day.
The Literary Onion 