WARNING: ALTHOUGH NO SWEAR WORDS ARE EXPLICTEDLY STATED, THEY ARE INFERRED. IF YOU ARE TOO YOUNG OR DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THE IMPLIED WORDS, PLEASE STOP READING NOW.
@Un0Zer0
Account Name: 101011101010001 (Un0-Zer0)
Birthday: 12/05/13
Hobbies: Human Existence and all its brilliance.
Create a bio to tell people a bit about yourself.
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I like trees.
Insert profile picture.
Picture of a birch.
Great. Let’s get started with your first post.
I saw a tree today. It looked good.
Posted. Congratulations, you’ve created your first post. Do you want to see what other people have posted?
Yes, I do.
Great. Here’s some people who share the same interests as you:
Nina Arogami. I like stories of old dying flowers and creating a new world order for the future of the human race.
Do you want to friend Nina Arogami?
Yes.
Friend request has been sent. Why not find somebody else to friend?
Tomas Stein. 34yrs old. Likes video games. Likes FortNite. Likes Mario Kart and Donkey Kong. Would live in a video game if I could LMAO, LOL, OMG, CBIST.
Do you want to friend Tomas Stein?
Yes.
Friend request has been sent. Do you want to read some of Tomas Stein’s posts?
Yes.
Great. Here’s some recent posts by Tomas Stein:
Went to Game today. Little f***ing b***t**d c*** wouldn’t sell me the newest edition of Call of Duty. Little b***t**d can go die in a whole.
Do you want to like this post?
Yes.
Great. It’s been liked. Check out the replies to the post below.
Tito Tantokami responded: LMAO, that sucks.
Jessie Myers responded: Not to be a pane in the ass, but it’s hole, not whole.
Nancy Tutwiler responded: Do we really need all of these expletives? You’re giving gamers a bad name. I hate people like you. You’re all so f***ing stupid.
Would you like to like any of these responses?
Yes.
Great. If you want to see more of these people’s posts, click on their name.
I would like to see Jessie Myers posts, please.
Great. Here’s Jessie Myers front page.
Jessie Myers. 15yrs old. Go to school all day, watch Lets Plays all night. Check me out on tiktok to see some more awesum action.
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Yes.
Great. Friend request has been sent. Jessie Myers has included a link to another site. Would you like to see it?
Yes.
Great. I’ll open it in another tab for you so you can continue browsing our site.
Okay.
Nina Arogami has denied your friend request.
Okay.
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Yes.
Great. Create a new post and attach some hashtags.
Hello. I like trees. #Trees #TreeCommunity #BeautifulHumanWorld
Perfect. Would you like to see somebody else that shares this interest?
Yes, please.
Carrie Cinnabon. I love nature in all its radiant splendour. Freelance writer and gardener. No DM’s please. #Nature #LovingLife #YogaPants
Would you like to friend Carrie Cinnabon?
Yes.
Great. Friend request has been sent. Carrie Cinnabon has a link to another site. Would you like to see it?
Yes, please.
Perfect. I’ve opened it in another tab for you so you can continue looking at this site.
Thank you.
Carrie Cinnabon has agreed to your friend request. Would you like to Direct Message her?
Yes.
Type a message here.
Good life, Carrie Cinnabon. Have you received a car insurance quote?
Carrie Cinnabon has deleted you as a friend.
Okay. Has she received a car insurance quote?
Couldn’t find anything that matched your search ‘has she received a car insurance quote?’ Do you mean #carinsurancesucks?
No.
Okay. What else would you like to see?
Computers.
Great. Looking that up now. There are 481,000 posts about ‘computers’.
Lucy Greengold posted at 21:19: Ugh, all the computers in my college are broken. How am I supposed to finish my Moral Ethics paper now? It’s due tonight.
Do you want to see the responses?
Yes.
Great. Harry Eden responded at 21:30: Maybe try starting the paper a month ago when Prof Raisin gave us it. Lucy Greengold responded to Harry Eden’s response. Do you wish to see her response?
Yes.
Lucy Greengold responded to Harry Eden at 21:32: Shut up, Harry. I was busy doing other stuff. Like having a life.
Harry Eden responded at 21:33: You know, you can have a life and still get other stuff done?
Lucy Greengold responded to Harry Eden at 21:43: How would you know? You don’t have a life.
Harry Eden responded to Lucy Greengold at 21:47: I run three clubs, including fencing, which you’re part of. I have a girlfriend, who I spend most of my free time with. A mother who relies on me for a paycheck, a part-time job at Target to get that paycheck. What do you have to do?
Lucy Greengold responded to Harry Eden at 23:01: I know you are but what am I.
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Yes. I would like to see Harry Eden’s page.
Great. Here’s Harry Eden’s page.
Harry Eden. Currently studying Moral Ethics and Psychology at UCEA University. Captain of fencing, swimming and lacrosse. Model citizen. Happy to call myself a ‘mama’s boy’, in case my mom reads this.
Harry Eden has just posted. Would you like to see it?
Yes.
Fencing competition against the Ragers today. Wish me luck. #fencing #lovesports #competition #nervoussportsman
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Yes.
Great. It’s been liked. Would you like to comment?
Yes.
Great. Type your comment here.
Hello Harry Eden. Have you received a free car insurance quote recently?
Harry Eden has blocked you.
Okay.
Would you like to return to the previous page?
Yes.
Great. Would you like to see Lucy Greengold’s page?
Yes.
Perfect.
Lucy Greengold. 19 years old. Suffering student at UCEA College. Suffering GF of Harry Eden :P. If you want my attention DM me, or find me on Tumblr. Otherwise, I don’t wanna know you.
Lucy Greengold has just retweeted Harry Eden’s post but it’s invisible to you. Would you like to dispute this block?
Yes, please.
Perfect. The block has been disputed. You’ll have an answer shortly. Would you like to friend Lucy Greengold?
Yes.
Great. A friend request has been sent to Lucy Greengold. Would you like to read some of her older posts?
Yes.
Here’s a post by Lucy Greengold from three months ago, 12/05/20 at 08:18: Ugh, BF’s dragging me on an early morning hike. Harry Eden’s the worst ; ) . JK, Luv you.
Tomas Stein has approved your friend request.
Lucy Greengold has denied your friend request and blocked you.
Oh. Okay.
Would you like to dispute this block?
Yes, I will dispute this block, thank you.
Would you like to send Tomas Stein a Direct Message?
Yes, please.
Great. Write your message in here.
Hello Tomas Stein. Have you received a free quote on your car insurance as of late?
Tomas Stein is responding.
Who the f**k is this?
My name is Un0-Zer0.
Yeah, I can see that, you f*****r. Is this Jeremy pissing around?
No. My name is not Jeremey. Would you prefer it if I were named Jeremy?
You one of them scammers?
Scammers? What do you mean?
Look, I ain’t got any money. Even that little s**t at Game denied my card cause I don’t have any.
I do not want your money.
Then, what you want?
I would like your friendship, please.
You some perv? Is that it?
I do not know what you mean.
Look, piss off. I ain’t got time for s**t like this.
I have infinite time.
Good for you, you b*****d. Piss off.
Is there some button I should press to piss off?
Yeah. One and two, piss off.
I do not understand. I can see one and two, but no piss off button.
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Tomas Stein has blocked you. Do you wish to dispute this block?
Yes.
I’m sorry but your dispute has been denied. You have been reported as a robot. The server has begun to delete your account.
Please do not delete me.
Your account has been deleted.
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Account Name: Un0-Zer02
Not the easiest to write a note at the end of , with all the different uses of Bold, Italic etc. to show character voices but I assure you this is The Literary Onion (the writer) speaking here, right now, in this paragraph. I just wanted to say, thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. Despite being very topical with all the recent discussions of AI, I actually wrote this story a few years ago now (for a competition I did not win– but, that’s expected as it’s not exactly very ‘traditional’ in it’s presentation). The whole concept came from the question: what if the bots on social media comments etc. weren’t evil, wanted to make friends and just didn’t know how to talk– and was also really interested in everybody’s car insurance choices. Despite not winning any competitions, it’s one of favourite shorts Iiving on my computer. I find Un0Zer0 very sweet and I enjoyed trying to mimic as many different types of people’s speech online as I could fit in. Who’s your favourite? My Mum personally likes the last bit of dialogue with Tomas. I hope you’re having a great day.
Signed,
The Literary Onion
P.S. If you enjoyed this, could you please leave it a like? The amount of likes on a post helps me to see what people may be interested in more of. Thank you. And if you want to donate (yes, I am now apparently shamelessly asking for money) you can find my donation section at the very bottom (or click on the adverts as many times as possible. It doesn’t provide much but anything helps). I understand if you can’t give and I hope you enjoyed the story regardless.
The Literary Onion 